my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
