You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
