im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
