Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
