I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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