if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
