Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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