I am spending my child support on dildos
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
