Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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