First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize