i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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