...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
