Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
