Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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