bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
