You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
