I wish my penis had an off switch
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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