When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
