You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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