haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
