Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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