Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
