if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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