my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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