shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
