Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
