Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize