are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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