The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
