Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
