listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
