My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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