He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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