It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
