Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
