UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
