my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I could fuck to npr.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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