so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
