I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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