The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
