and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize