I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
