theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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