totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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