we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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