I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You did what with his pubic hair?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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