I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
