Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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