Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
