pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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