If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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