I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
