believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
