I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
