Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
