Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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