he puts the penis in happiness.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
