Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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