finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
