some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
