Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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