I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
