i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
