remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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