fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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