Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
