They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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