I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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