gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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