I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize