Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
