we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
